Posted by jerry
on Feb 2, 2012 in
I've realised that I'm the only stupid person left in this country who's actually paying all their tax and national insurance and having those taxes deducted from my salary before I even see what's left. So I've decided that I'm not going to pay any more from now on and I've come up with a fool-proof way of doing it.
1. I'm coming off the payroll and my services will be billed by a Management Services company like that bloke form the Student Loans Company. Because I don't work for the government and I'm of no interest to the Daily Mail, nobody should get excited by this.
2. The Management Services company will pay all my day-to-day living costs and whatever's left will be paid to my wife as a dividend. She's going to go 'Non-Dom' which means that there will be no tax on the dividend (thanks for that little trick Mr Green - no relation.) Her going Non-Dom should also mean less nagging at home!!
3. The Management Services company is in no way controlled by me. If someone finds any e-mails saying 'pay all the cash in a dividend to my wife, love Jerry' it is a monstrous lie and I will sue. (Thanks Lord Ashcroft for that one)
4. Every now and then, because my boss loves me so much and IN NO WAY BECAUSE OF MY EMPLOYMENT, tax free lump sums will be deposited for me in a Monaco bank account known as Mutley58. If, at the same time, I whinge that I haven't been paid a bonus for the year then that is JUST COINCIDENCE. If, out of the kindness of his heart, my rich boss wishes to help me get started with an investment scheme overseas (wot I don't understand) then that is nothing to do with the fantastic job I do as his employee.
5. If all else fails, then I shall explain that I'm just a thicky from Paddington who never understood all this tax malarkey, thought it was all sorted by accountants and was far too busy reading about David Beckham in Hello magazine to complete a tax return. (In which case, everything above is simply random words generated by this computer which I don't understand because I'm dyslexic and don't speak English ....... Your Honour.)
If any of this works, I'll let you know. After all the fewer of us that pay tax, the better off this country will be!!